Stayed up all night, can't stay awake in school

Dear Gretchen,

I have to drink this whole Monster drink so I can make it through my classes this morning, because I stayed up til 5am watching all all three X-Men movies. I'm so tired. What do I do? #firstworldproblems

-Sleepy Sophomore


Dear Sleepy,

How unfortunate that you would choose to fill your mind the night before school with the likes of the X-Men. I'm sure that you went right along side their adventures; scheming, planning, saving the planet and the X-Men species. Maybe you even asked yourself which super power you would have if you were an X-Men. Well, I'll tell you right now that you have the "super power" of failing your classes if you keep these kind of shenanigans up. Turn off your computer at the sensible hour of 10pm, not 5am, and wake up refreshed and ready to face the world. When you have proved yourself a proper hero by completing your school work, acing your tests, and becoming a better person, then you have earned the right to one X-Men movie. And don't get me started on the poison that's in those Monster drinks! That stuff will turn you right into the villain! It doesn't get much more first world problem than this!

By the way, I never saw the third one so you should tell me what happened sometime, okay?

Sincerely,

Gretchen