Paper Cuts and Flappy Bird

Dear Gretchen,

In class last week, I gave myself a paper cut on my thumb while reading over a report. Unfortunately, this cut has made my thumb too sore to play Flappy Bird. What should I do? #firstworldproblems

-Grounded Bird



Dear Bird,

How terrible that your act of reading and hard work in school led to this sort of medical disaster. Many, including Flappy Bird's creator, Dong Nyugen, have claimed that the game has ruined their lives. Lucky for you, Nyugen has taken the game off of the app store, saving your life and many others. I'm so grateful that you won't have to be tapping a screen with a sore and bloody thumb. That just sounds painful!

Here's a suggestion. Go outside. Look at the sky. Notice the real flapping birds that are flying in it. Tell them hello. Go for a walk. Build a fort. Ride a bicycle. Live your life like the rest of us did when we were kids. When I was young, a paper cut prevented me from climbing up ropes and maybe from playing basketball. Television and video games were our only screens but every day my parents forced us to play outside for a couple of hours. Your Flappy Bird playing has made you weak, and your thumbs can't take normal interactions with paper anymore. Tough your extremeties up by spending your afternoons in the great outdoors and you'll soon find a new, healthier addiction. Read this depressing article that quotes a report that states that teenagers spend an average of 7 hours a day in front of a screen. Gross! These first world problems can get quite out of hand!