Stop talking to me!

Dear Gretchen,

I have these awesome Beats headphones and I have to wear them everywhere. I hate when people try to talk to me when I obviously am not listening. Music is my life, man!

-All Plugged Up



Dear Plugged,

The other day, I was walking down the hall and I saw a student  wearing a hoodie that seemed to be out of it, forlorn, lost, maybe even a bit sad. I spoke to him and said, "Are you okay?", but he just kept walking away. It was then that I realized that he wasn't sad or forlorn at all; he was just listening to his iPod with earbuds covered up by his hood. I had just wasted my emotions worrying about this kid who totally doesn't care that I cared.

Not only are headphones annoying to everyone else, but they totally remove you from living your life, letting you get to hang out with your friends, or experiencing all the actual fun stuff that is going on outside of that little head of yours. Right now you're in high school. The most important thing that you're learning in school isn't physics, computer science, or Algebra. To succeed in life, you're going to need social skills above everything else and there's no way you're going to be able to confidently approach people if you always plug up your ears. Next time you talk to a deaf person, ask him or her how easy it is to socialize with other non-deaf people. Speaking of hearing loss, check this out:

According to the Journal of Pediatrics, 12.5 percent of kids between the ages of 6 and 19 suffer from loss of hearing as a result of using ear phones/buds turned to a high volume.

Better start brushing up on the sign language. But seriously, if I see you or your friends standing in a group of people with your headphones on, I'm going to pull out some scissors and take care of business. It's for your own good. Enjoy your life, don't silence it!

Too much pizza

Dear Gretchan,

Tonight I went out with my family for dinner and I wanted different toppings than everyone else so I got a small pizza of my own but it was way too huge to finish. I didn't want to take it home with me but I didn't want to throw it away. What do I do?

-Stuffed Crusty


Dear Stuffed,
Wow, what a problem. I can't imagine how you would ever solve something like this. I can't believe I am even doing the service of replying to such a non-problem. Here's one quick solution. Do a quick Google search of how many people in the world go to bed hungry. Even easier, I did it for you. Here's the answer: almost 1 billion (according to Stop Hunger Now). Most of these people are children, like you, and have no way to provide food for themselves. Do you know what hunger pains feel like? Probably not. It feels like your stomach is eating itself, like it's being squashed and churned like butter. Imagine feeling these pains not just every day, but several times a day. And it's not just the pain that these kids feel. Many of these malnoursihed kids get sick, really sick, and eventually die because they're just too week.

• Undernourishment kills more people every year than malaria, tuberculosis and AIDS combined.  USAID, 2012

So next time you get fake hunger pains because your family doesn't want the same topping as you, take a chill pill, suck up your pride, and offer to share with everyone else and maybe order that other pizza and take it to go, tossing it to the homeless guy right outside of the restaurant.

-Gretchen

Why can't we have beds everywhere?

Dear Gretchen,

I was so tired this morning in class that I thought to myself, why can't we just have beds all over school so we can take naps whenever we want?

I know, it's genius!

-So Tired



Dear Tired,

Before I grab a bed catalogue to order a bunch of beds to decorate your school with, let me just ask you a few questions. What time do you go to bed, really truly? I know your official bed time is 10:30 pm, but I know you stay up a little, or maybe even a lot later than that. Let's say you stay up a little past that time and end up actually going to sleep around 11:30 pm. Breakfast is at 7 am and your first class is at 7:30. That means that you only got 7.5 hour of sleep last night, and that was on a good night. Not only did you get the 9.25 hours of sleep that you actually need (thanks Sleep Foundation), but you also messed yourself up for your test in the morning because your lack of sleep inhibits memorization and learning. I know, crazy, right?! For a fun, sleepy read, watch this PBS Frontline doc or read the overview. They tested a bunch of teenagers to look at learning and memorization and said:

What these tests show is that the brain consolidates and practices what is learned during the day after the students (or adults, for that matter) go to sleep.

In my freshman psych class, I remember my professor saying that if I really wanted to learn something or had a big test, then to study it right before I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning and it would "stick" to my brain better.

Maybe none of this even answers your original question about the beds scattered around the school, but I'm not even going to go into every parent and teacher's nightmare of teenage temptation. Let's just knock the actual problem down before instilling a school-wide nap time (which, I think us teachers would benefit from as well.)

Paper Cuts and Flappy Bird

Dear Gretchen,

In class last week, I gave myself a paper cut on my thumb while reading over a report. Unfortunately, this cut has made my thumb too sore to play Flappy Bird. What should I do? #firstworldproblems

-Grounded Bird



Dear Bird,

How terrible that your act of reading and hard work in school led to this sort of medical disaster. Many, including Flappy Bird's creator, Dong Nyugen, have claimed that the game has ruined their lives. Lucky for you, Nyugen has taken the game off of the app store, saving your life and many others. I'm so grateful that you won't have to be tapping a screen with a sore and bloody thumb. That just sounds painful!

Here's a suggestion. Go outside. Look at the sky. Notice the real flapping birds that are flying in it. Tell them hello. Go for a walk. Build a fort. Ride a bicycle. Live your life like the rest of us did when we were kids. When I was young, a paper cut prevented me from climbing up ropes and maybe from playing basketball. Television and video games were our only screens but every day my parents forced us to play outside for a couple of hours. Your Flappy Bird playing has made you weak, and your thumbs can't take normal interactions with paper anymore. Tough your extremeties up by spending your afternoons in the great outdoors and you'll soon find a new, healthier addiction. Read this depressing article that quotes a report that states that teenagers spend an average of 7 hours a day in front of a screen. Gross! These first world problems can get quite out of hand!

Stayed up all night, can't stay awake in school

Dear Gretchen,

I have to drink this whole Monster drink so I can make it through my classes this morning, because I stayed up til 5am watching all all three X-Men movies. I'm so tired. What do I do? #firstworldproblems

-Sleepy Sophomore


Dear Sleepy,

How unfortunate that you would choose to fill your mind the night before school with the likes of the X-Men. I'm sure that you went right along side their adventures; scheming, planning, saving the planet and the X-Men species. Maybe you even asked yourself which super power you would have if you were an X-Men. Well, I'll tell you right now that you have the "super power" of failing your classes if you keep these kind of shenanigans up. Turn off your computer at the sensible hour of 10pm, not 5am, and wake up refreshed and ready to face the world. When you have proved yourself a proper hero by completing your school work, acing your tests, and becoming a better person, then you have earned the right to one X-Men movie. And don't get me started on the poison that's in those Monster drinks! That stuff will turn you right into the villain! It doesn't get much more first world problem than this!

By the way, I never saw the third one so you should tell me what happened sometime, okay?

Sincerely,

Gretchen

The Author's very real first world problems at age 13

My best friend growing up just sent me this super embarrassing written letter that I wrote to her when I was 13 (she had moved away to the other side of the country).

2-2-99 8:52 A.M.

Dear Allison, I bet you weren't expecting this. I'm in school right now and I have nothing better to do. I get to sit in the very last row and it's cool, 'cause I can get away with almost anything.

I sit next to Juan and this 7th grader named Ryan. I am sooooooo happy that you are coming! I'm dying to know how you persuaded your mom to let you come! I hope you don't mind, but my mom is going to make us go to school. I would ditch, but my mom would freak out. Algebra is so stupid! Math is supposed to be just numbers. Not letters or science crap! I am very annoyed.

I fight with Nathan all the time because he has this thing where he thinks that he can yell at me for no reason just because I'm his sister. I can't wait to send him to boarding school! What are you doing for Valentine's day? Our school does absolutely nothing. They don't even let people hold hands. I have no boyfriend, no life. It's driving me crazy! There are no fine guys anywhere! It's like they see me coming and they just flee. I'm not that ugly. There is this one guy on our street named Joey. He's like 14 or 15. Joey is a total skater and not very cute. I don't see very much of him anyways. So for Valentine's I'm just gonna buy myself a big box of chocolates and ice cream and other junk and just stuff myself. I will wallow in my misery.

Have you seen any good movies lately? I want to see Varsity Blues and She's All That. Maybe I'll do that this weekend. Felipe's birthday is today or tomorrow. He's 15. He sure doesn't act like it. Well, I want to be written back to, so make sure you write back. I'm sorry I kind of plunked my problems on you, but that's pretty much all that's happened here.

Rika P.S. Please please please write back.

Here's one more dorky picture of me for your viewing pleasure.

#firstworldproblems

Dear Gretchen,

Recently I really wanted to chew some gum so I found a friend with a stick of mint gum. After chewing it for a few minutes, I went to drink some water out of the drinking fountain and my whole head froze! It wrecked my whole day. What do I do? #firstworldproblems

-Frozen Face

Dear Frozen Face,

That sounds like the worst day ever. I’m sorry that you were trying to use a stick of gum to cover up the fact that you were too lazy to brush your teeth. I do the same thing sometimes too. And don’t you hate it when you accidentally eat something orangey after brushing your teeth? Gross! Now, you’re wondering what to do to prevent a situation like this in the future. First of all, take four seconds to think about your thirst next time you pop in a piece of gum. Get a drink before, maybe drink like 50 sips to get you nice and hydrated. Your other option is to turn on the sink’s hot water after you start chewing your gum and melt that frozen face away! Or, the next time you feel like gum is ruining your day, think about all the starving kids in Africa who only get to chew gum once in their lifetime and be happy you get to chew fresh gum the first time around. That is a very real first world problem!

-Gretchen